unsent letters

To god,

2009-10-08T13:22:00.000-07:00

i definitely write a lot to you. and well im sure you dont mind coz all of this goes in your spam.

anyway, i wrote to offer a note of thanks. all in all, you are really a jack ass. you dont really care what happens to anyone. you are busy creating water on moon and keeping some comet/asteroid away from some random planet. which might be closer to heaven therefore maybe their prayers are heard before ours are.

it doesnt matter really...

thanks for all the good things you have given me. nice education, a nice enough family. some very good friends. a good somewhat rocky love life. a great house to live in. talents (overflowing at times), good literature, good music, a good healthy life. and good food. no complaints their. the only problem is the complexity of it all. well but im not writing a complaint or a request today. so, i shall refrain from starting off about that.

i have a question though?

how is it that when a problem comes up you act like a complete jerk??

love aparna

to the world

2008-11-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

this is just what i was supposed to be reminded of. as we have heard part one of the romance between aparna and rahul. here is "jab we met"

it was a warm december, the december of 2002, and a very lonely one too for me. rahul was one of those who i was friends with, online. we bonded easily, within the 9 days of speaking to each other for the first time. and finally after a lot of insistence i decided i should meet up. after having cancelled one meeting, i decided i can meet him up on th 24th of december. just happened to say over the phone "come hail or storm, rahul, i will meet you" well, the next minute i opened my window to find the perfect clear morning had changed into a hailing and storming morning. blind date, that it was... it was pre-planned what i would wear.. an orange t-shirt. well coz of the storm wore a jacket instead... a huge jacket, made me look like a bear... he on the other hand was wearing a white full sleeve t shirt.... i practically froze up... unshaven, looking slightly tired, i see this thin guy sitting at the bus stop. and i just went upto him saying, "rahul?? can i have 60 bucks?" (modern school barakhamba, i didnt have change and the auto guy was driving me crazy) poor guy, almost died of shock and later incredulity.
the day was well spent, kept talking, didnt let him smoke (who was to know i would fall in love with smoking myself?) had a coke, even though i would catch a bad cold later, it wasnt as if i didnt know him at all. or was it?
i remember every bit of that day... every bit... as if it happened yesterday. people ask me whether im still in love with this guy.... yes im in love with THIS rahul.... the rahul sam that i knew back then, simple and sweet. straight forward. had no qualms about life. was slightly shy, spoke straight. didnt have this incessant need to please everyone around him. as carefree and careful as one can be at the same time. or is it just a dream?? it was...
believe me it was...
some people call him a jerk the way he broke up with him... when he was with me he was the best a woman would want.... but lets put it his way...."things change, people change... how difficult is that to understand?" he changed, i didn't. we couldn't let the love be alive... love didn't keep us alive... i died... trying to love again....live again.

to god,

2008-11-08T01:26:00.001-08:00

just get him pooh.... please just let pooh be with him...
i need him to go away,
i need him to have his smiles back...
not be with me and long for her....
i wanna talk to her...
give her the love i have for him... he will be happy, so will she...
and i will be without....

to anish,

2008-11-08T01:19:00.000-08:00

hey!
i shall never have you, right? then y am i pretending to myself?y am i waiting for a futile dream to come true, its as if im waiting for someone to come down shake me and show me the future and say its not you i can be with, you will be happy with everyone else, but me. why does it hurt so bad not having you???
im sorry, i ask so much of you. there are so many things i want to say to you. and just cant... just go mum infront of you.
what futile love this is. star crossed. never meant to be.

to god,

2008-10-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

there are a million things that i can say to you. a million questions but then there is a major question before that. do i believe in you or do i not.. not in the existence bit, coz divinity is a matter of belief. but of the fact that how do i trust you.

i have reached out to you. time and again for various things, things that have been selfish, or totally self less. things that have just been obvious... what have you done? sat back and thrown miracles at me, which i kept missing. opportunities that i have thrown away, maybe that's it... i have thrown away those opportunities to have a better life.. i should have picked my career above all. i shouldnt have given my love a chance.. coz you never gave me a chance at having my love the way i wanted it. forget me.. what have you done to this world.. we have a choice.. of making our life the way we want it to be.. what of those who cant help it... little kids dying in some arbit country.. coz of some power hungry jerks.. why them??

me i can understand... i have made wrong choices. i have been selfish.. what about the others in life... what have they done to u?? they believed in u.. right?.. they prayed to you.. did everything ur people have ever put down in books. what is their sin??

even if my problems are not as big as theirs.. why does it hurt so much.. aisa kya kiya yaar maine??
you are god right? cant u forgive me? please please please just let me go from here... i cant handle it. mujhse nahi jhela ja raha. i cant bear it.. i really cant... please..just let me go.. im weak.. i really am.. and im feeling so lonely... i just cant breathe in this mess anymore.. please let me go..

please god.. please....

to ashu,

2008-08-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

happy birthday... hope you have a internet connection up there, and u are vella enough to read blogs... and hope you have sound some real angels up thr and not waiting for me or anything... im not coming to heaven you know that right???

to anish

2008-08-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

i have no idea how to? what to? why?
why am i so stupidly in love with you?
i was fine with just being friends with you. then what happened to me?
im being crazy... i just need you so much that i cant explain...
anyway, i just need to get pooja. make her day so special that she really doesnt need anyone else...
i can wait...

to god,

2008-07-28T12:38:00.001-07:00

hi god, are you still there for me? or am i still going on a wild goose chase like i always do? not that important, or maybe important enough that you are still making me 'learn' from what mistakes i make... i seem to make a lot of them... i want to find peace... just peace... i'm sorry for whatever names i called you.. i wont defend myself... i was selfish back then and even now im being selfish... i just want to be happy... i really want him... for once just make him love me.... i cant lie to myself anymore... i'm sick of it. i really do need him... i was trying not to fall for him... then why let me?? it hurts so much not to have him... i have begged you for giving me back Sam... i have begged you... i have isn't it?? you dint give him back to me... probably cos he deserved better... or whatever... or maybe i needed anish more than i needed him...
or whatever... OK, i don't want him... i will live with it... i promise... just let him have what he wants... please... let him have his dream... please... that one day that he gives pooja... let her be so happy abt it that she never leaves him... i had to write this down... will you please read it... in whatever form you are... some one please talk to her... you talk to her... make her fall for him... let her love him as much he loves her... please...

adi, you are close to god... please convince him , please....

god, i will never cry after that... i promise. i will never ask you for another thing for me... i wont... am i being too selfish??? i never wanted to wake up...

to, no one

2008-05-21T02:54:00.000-07:00

in an unexpected way..i dont want to write anything that might sound like a letter....
let that be a unsent one.unread and unheard of. let it just fly to the skies of undreamt dreams...let it just roam around like a dried leaf fallen to the ground...

to the world

2007-10-30T04:18:00.000-07:00

genuinely inspired by adi, i start with the begining of my love story....
and yeah....adi, i cant ever promise it will be as romantic...my penchant for writing romance, is more or less over....

one fine day,in the middle of a warm december (i know thats a paradox but year 2002 december was quite warm....remember we were still roaming about in full t shirts and for the extra warm blooded....half sweaters???) i went online....yeah cliche -internet was our medium of introduction. and started talking to someone named rahul(no he wasnt bluffing..that is his real name...)
and rest is history...we became the bestest of friends...met on a drizzling cold 24th december....dramatic event (remind me to write about that later)
flash forward 12th january 2003....rahul comes to my place for having lunch...sadly has to eat a over excited cook's "pepper rice"...doesnt complain much but, well makes the "cook"(= me) a passing joke for the rest of the love tenure. then we go to my awesome terrace...looking on to the orange and red clouds passing over....with an insane urge to be just looking into his eyes... a stupid wish to be told off for sitting on the ledge....to not ever let this evening pass...just let him stay....
and i sat there trying to just see him without letting him know....trying to explain to him how clouds take up different shapes...trying to figure out y is he smiling..trying to figure out y im behaving this way..trying to make dreams up...trying to not fall in love with him.....melting into the colors of the sunset behind the humayun's tomb.
capturing that moment into eternity....
did i just become to picturisque? 4 years 9 months 19 days ago on a obscure saturday evening...i was falling in love with sam rahul gantayat.. a young boy who shared my dream of going to paris. thinking the same things...a guy who brought the biggest smiles of my life to me.. who is a part of another lifetime i lived with him. who did everything to make me smile. whose voice can make me smile and his voice can make me cry. who cried coz he was missing his mother who stayed too far away. who screamed at me if i ate too less... who ate too much.
26 days later... i lived another dream...maybe i should let it be for some more time....

to sam

2007-08-30T05:30:00.000-07:00

hey!
ur birthday in 5 days.
and i havent been able to stop thinking about u yet.
love is a strange thing
almost for a year i was in denial. of the fact that ur finally gone. ur not gonna come back. are u?
no ur not...things are funny the way they are. i dont want you to come back actually... not because ive stopped loving you. but coz it doesnt matter anymore..its way to hard.
way to hard to be even hoping...or wishing....for wishes i want fulfilled.
im waiting too long....
or maybe the wait is finally over.
u wud never understand...i dont want you to.
i dont want you.
i just wish u to be the same great guy u were. and not as pretentious as you are now.
or maybe u were that before.
happy birthday.

p.s. i wrote this 5 days before his birthday..posting it today coz i saw it in the drafts..

to ashu

2007-08-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

its ur birthday,
and well i have nothing else to say.. what do i say to you when u cant tell me things back....what do i tell the one person i have known to be with me always....i havent got any replies.... i dont want your prayers..i just want you to be here... to be talking to me...to be literally feeding me with chocolates......
its what you always did...i never did take you for granted... its just that you were everything a friend dreams of and more.... the love and laughter we shared...somewhere down the line it has dissolved into nothingness...
happy birthday sweetheart....this little angel of yours is waiting here to hear 'thanks'
and ur 'fake' accent and ur devilish grin...and ur stupid cargos in which u look absolutely stupid urself.....
and the movies, and the salsa/ sauce dipped potato chips......
i wish i had ur picture....sometimes i forget how u used to hug me. or sometimes even how u used to make me smile...i just feel as if i have doone a huge wrong to you..living with all this guilt is kindoff killing.... i wont care..i say ...sometimes i think i will forget u...and ull vanish..... do u know i smoke now...i use swearwords like punctuation...maybe sometimes in defiance to u...waiting for u to scream at me...maybe just emerge from behind me and say ur usual "caught u"
u used to say i was the best person anyone can have as a lover.... and yet sam left me. he did... i dint, i tried to work it out. he does hurt...but ur going away..even after all these years hurts much more....5 years haina?
what more do i say???
do i hav to?
u know all that anyway dont you?
is it like really good out thr?
dont you miss me?
dont u miss all those nights driving around delhi..???
or is it like sleeping?
cant u be thr with u? u wont come back but i can be with u isnt it?
love angle(even now i spell it wrong, even sam used to get annoyed.....angels...)

to, adi and dee

2007-07-30T05:18:00.000-07:00

you are one of the most loved people of my life and yet i think it would be good to write things to you that probably i have oversaid and yet not managed to say ever....or maybe i have who knows.

well, maybe first of all i should wave off adis fear of losing dee.....my sweetest and dearest harry...no you wont lose her.....coming from me it might not sound believable but yes love has the greatest power in the world. the greatest and the most feared.....thats why so many people are afraid of it...they run away...and yet i say (as i have once done before) love is nothing more than a physical touch of a friendship.

you will always and always remain two separate people who find the reason to 'live' in each other. where you can almost worship if the world allowed you to. the fact that you cant take away her pain and neither can she yours will never make you stop trying....i know you would not only try but also pray, wish and argue with god every single day that she may get alll the happiness u have in you and u may get all the tears.....yes, but the relationship will change...from utopia, to the fears, to the strength, to finding out weaknesses, to fighting about them, to understanding and thinking that they are compromises...but you know what??? these very moments...of little incidences (of bus tickets that i laugh about) to her little bad habits that annoy u, or ur naughty comment that made her red and a little angry later.... to her scolding you for something stupid...thats what you will remember.. always throughout ur life...
i guess that may have answered some of the questions that u keep thinking of asking this dear old hagrid...and may have not been able to ask....and well maybe im just totally wrong....but well thats what i seem to notice

i guess all these things i may have said ...or may have wanted to say.....and it wont have mattered coz i would never have stopped myself from sying it if asked....
what i would have stopped from saying is that i guess i was hurt....when i was breaking down i guess i expected you guys to be thr....both of you
and i guess u just werent
maybe not as i wanted....or maybe not thr at all...and i soon stopped reaching out....stopped calling..stopped even wanting to talk.coz it hurt.talking or even discussing hurt...i guess i never wanted to pretend to you guys...but what the f**k, i guess now it doesnt matter at all.coz ive learnt how not to even think of reachin out to people...best of friends... parents anyone....as anish once put it maybe ive stopped knowing how to trust someone...is it about trust? ,, sometimes i ask ,or is it just thestupid ideal(utopian! :) ) taurian in me... that believes in being there...just there...no matter what the thing is.... what the issue is... or what my other priorities are..... its just me....now that i come to think of it...its just that i have now come to believe that no one is to be expected to do things for u
why should they anyway?
is it a complaint im making to you....??? my answer would be ' no' it will never be a complaint...coz i never set conditions that u had to be thr....had thr been any conditions i would have demanded those...im way to blunt as u guys know maybe.... its just something im saying...coz ive meant to say it. everytime ive met you guys ive wanted to...and ended up reading harry potter...or told random things abt my life....i guess thats whatim like....thr are zcertain things that i cant say..maybe thats y blogs help

well, as formalty requires me to wish u at the end of each letter.....i wish you a life full of the love that you guys have needed, wanted and deserved..... a life full of unlimited dreams and and unknown smiles...more than what you guys wish for each other

love
appu urf hagrid urf whatever!!!!!