To god,

i definitely write a lot to you. and well im sure you dont mind coz all of this goes in your spam.

anyway, i wrote to offer a note of thanks. all in all, you are really a jack ass. you dont really care what happens to anyone. you are busy creating water on moon and keeping some comet/asteroid away from some random planet. which might be closer to heaven therefore maybe their prayers are heard before ours are.

it doesnt matter really...

thanks for all the good things you have given me. nice education, a nice enough family. some very good friends. a good somewhat rocky love life. a great house to live in. talents (overflowing at times), good literature, good music, a good healthy life. and good food. no complaints their. the only problem is the complexity of it all. well but im not writing a complaint or a request today. so, i shall refrain from starting off about that.

i have a question though?

how is it that when a problem comes up you act like a complete jerk??

love aparna

to the world

this is just what i was supposed to be reminded of. as we have heard part one of the romance between aparna and rahul. here is "jab we met"

it was a warm december, the december of 2002, and a very lonely one too for me. rahul was one of those who i was friends with, online. we bonded easily, within the 9 days of speaking to each other for the first time. and finally after a lot of insistence i decided i should meet up. after having cancelled one meeting, i decided i can meet him up on th 24th of december. just happened to say over the phone "come hail or storm, rahul, i will meet you" well, the next minute i opened my window to find the perfect clear morning had changed into a hailing and storming morning. blind date, that it was... it was pre-planned what i would wear.. an orange t-shirt. well coz of the storm wore a jacket instead... a huge jacket, made me look like a bear... he on the other hand was wearing a white full sleeve t shirt.... i practically froze up... unshaven, looking slightly tired, i see this thin guy sitting at the bus stop. and i just went upto him saying, "rahul?? can i have 60 bucks?" (modern school barakhamba, i didnt have change and the auto guy was driving me crazy) poor guy, almost died of shock and later incredulity.
the day was well spent, kept talking, didnt let him smoke (who was to know i would fall in love with smoking myself?) had a coke, even though i would catch a bad cold later, it wasnt as if i didnt know him at all. or was it?
i remember every bit of that day... every bit... as if it happened yesterday. people ask me whether im still in love with this guy.... yes im in love with THIS rahul.... the rahul sam that i knew back then, simple and sweet. straight forward. had no qualms about life. was slightly shy, spoke straight. didnt have this incessant need to please everyone around him. as carefree and careful as one can be at the same time. or is it just a dream?? it was...
believe me it was...
some people call him a jerk the way he broke up with him... when he was with me he was the best a woman would want.... but lets put it his way...."things change, people change... how difficult is that to understand?" he changed, i didn't. we couldn't let the love be alive... love didn't keep us alive... i died... trying to love again....live again.

to god,

just get him pooh.... please just let pooh be with him...
i need him to go away,
i need him to have his smiles back...
not be with me and long for her....
i wanna talk to her...
give her the love i have for him... he will be happy, so will she...
and i will be without....

to anish,

hey!
i shall never have you, right? then y am i pretending to myself?y am i waiting for a futile dream to come true, its as if im waiting for someone to come down shake me and show me the future and say its not you i can be with, you will be happy with everyone else, but me. why does it hurt so bad not having you???
im sorry, i ask so much of you. there are so many things i want to say to you. and just cant... just go mum infront of you.
what futile love this is. star crossed. never meant to be.

to god,

there are a million things that i can say to you. a million questions but then there is a major question before that. do i believe in you or do i not.. not in the existence bit, coz divinity is a matter of belief. but of the fact that how do i trust you.

i have reached out to you. time and again for various things, things that have been selfish, or totally self less. things that have just been obvious... what have you done? sat back and thrown miracles at me, which i kept missing. opportunities that i have thrown away, maybe that's it... i have thrown away those opportunities to have a better life.. i should have picked my career above all. i shouldnt have given my love a chance.. coz you never gave me a chance at having my love the way i wanted it. forget me.. what have you done to this world.. we have a choice.. of making our life the way we want it to be.. what of those who cant help it... little kids dying in some arbit country.. coz of some power hungry jerks.. why them??

me i can understand... i have made wrong choices. i have been selfish.. what about the others in life... what have they done to u?? they believed in u.. right?.. they prayed to you.. did everything ur people have ever put down in books. what is their sin??

even if my problems are not as big as theirs.. why does it hurt so much.. aisa kya kiya yaar maine??
you are god right? cant u forgive me? please please please just let me go from here... i cant handle it. mujhse nahi jhela ja raha. i cant bear it.. i really cant... please..just let me go.. im weak.. i really am.. and im feeling so lonely... i just cant breathe in this mess anymore.. please let me go..

please god.. please....

to ashu,

happy birthday... hope you have a internet connection up there, and u are vella enough to read blogs... and hope you have sound some real angels up thr and not waiting for me or anything... im not coming to heaven you know that right???

to anish

i have no idea how to? what to? why?
why am i so stupidly in love with you?
i was fine with just being friends with you. then what happened to me?
im being crazy... i just need you so much that i cant explain...
anyway, i just need to get pooja. make her day so special that she really doesnt need anyone else...
i can wait...